Seems that about 20 minutes into the flight Tons of Fun pressed the help button. According to the flight attendant, he was “sweating profusely and breathing heavily” and the flight attendant initially thought he had tried to stand up out of his seat. It was later discovered that he swallowed a raccoon whole and it had, regretfully, attacked his internal organs in search of food. Food which was discovered to be quite plentiful. PETA issued a statement condemning the planet-sized man for inhaling a living creature and hopes that the animal will be able to live out the remainder of its life in the swollen, purple, bloated stomach of a rat bastard so large that pressurizing the cabin stopped his heart from beating.

Ethiopia met with the U.N. Security Council this morning with an urgent request to have Tubsy’s heart, noting that it could feed a tribe of 40 men and women for months. China vetoed the measure.

Most of that is a joke. It taking FOUR policemen to pick up the lard ass and get him off the plane…that part is true……sadly sadly true.

Now that you’ve laughed…he has an 18 year old Autistic son…and they text’d each other just before Smalls boarded the plane.

Yea…how you feel now? Kid’s got no dad…you people are unbelievable.

Anyway, in other news it has come to my attention that Poker, as a whole, needs some new names. NFL has Terrell Owens, NBA has Ron Artest, PGA has John Daly but what the hell does Poker have, honestly? There’s no cultural jack ass that transcends the sport to become some kinda nut bag that it’s actually fun to always hate him and hope for pain upon his loins.

Which is why I am submitting my name into the Worlds Series of Poker’s Junior Achievers Tournament. I figure a grown ass man against a bunch of kids taunting them endlessly will lend the sport the final marker it needs to go mainstream.

Please write to your local Congress-person or Senator-person to demand my name, Jonathan Danger Awesome Amabisca, included in the upcoming event. And if the event doesn’t exist, let’s get this one started. Like, now.

Send me some blog ideas, Asian porn or stupid card tricks at jonathan@shlinklincolnsports.com and I will use those words to judge you.

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Some of the changes with the program were a little controversial at the time but sex sells and Kara is top of the market. It’s good to see that even in a game of cards, cleavage is still what’s most important in life. Cleavage and to crush your enemies, see them driven before you. 

Cleavage and monies. Always with the monies. Now, for the moment, could you imagine hearing about a real Ocean’s 11 heist taking place in the strip? Well this kinda happened…kinda. It would seem there was a major heist in Berlin earlier this month. And it only took four, not eleven, clever monkeys to make off with the cash. The tourney was taking place in a big wig luxury hotel and, reportedly, there was over million bucks at stake. Million bucks…..four people? I guarantee I could text four people right now completely willing to invade some hotel and pull of the greatest robbery since…the one I’m currently talking about.

Honestly, four people. Sure, they had guns. Guns that make faces go boom, but still, there had to be someone there that at least considered the option of hiring security before the event. But no, now they’ve got egg in their pants. Or on their face, whatever that saying is. Egg pants sounds better. Like the smell you make the day after too much drinking. It’s like visiting Yellowstone without the beauty, only the stink.

I’ve recently learned that my girlfriend can’t play poker. She’s tried.
“She’s tried and failed?”
“She’s tried and died.”
No, not really, but I needed a quick Dune reference and that seemed the best moment. *best link in blog ever*

Anyway, so I’m up against this big ‘ol issue of trying to teach her all the masterful skills I’ve acquired over the years…but I don’t really want to teach her how to win, you know? Cause I wanna win. That’s the whole damn point to playing games of pretty much any kind, you gotta win. So my plan is to get her comfortable enough with my style that she won’t realize I’m teaching her how to play an in-depth version of Go Fish and not the actual, loveable game of Texas Hold-Em.

“Okay, the dealer lays down three cards. If you have any pairs, you say ‘I’ve got Salmon!’ and the dealer gives you a slight nod of attention. The other player has two double down options, they can either challenge your Salmon, in which you would then have to show them your pair, or they can declare ”Full Steady” and ask for new cards. And this is how you play poker, honey buns. Get your purse, it’s time to play for reals.”

The great thing about plans and the internet is by thinking them I’ve basically given away my hand. Not like she won’t read this.
Now that she knows my plans…….

Full Steady!

Send me some blog ideas, Asian porn or stupid card tricks at jonathan@shlinklincolnsports.com and I will use those words to judge you.

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anyway, in poker news, an aussie won a tournament in australia.
“oh, big whoop dank ass, american’s win american tourneys all the time.”

well…yea….but not so much in this aussie tourney. see, the Crown Casino’s Aussie Millions Main Event was only recently won by an actual australian just last year. now mr.Tyron Krost has become the latest poker gazillionaire for me to loath and beg for monies. he’s 23, too, which makes him filthy rich at an age in which i found myself re-enrolling in college to get my damn degree. but enough about being poor and eating noodles boiled in pabst.

so the olympics and their numerous lame events (tug-of-war made six olympic games before the OIC declared it too “awesome” and was voted back into the Kansas primary school system as an alternative to evolution) have really made the transition from ice skating to marksmen poker a possibility and almost certain future reality.

see, i do not throw these ideas about to mock the game i so truly love. i consider myself a transhuman futurist…..i know what people will need before they know they needed it. so including rifles into my version of the winter olympic poker devastation-athon is merely a reflection on what the masses already crave.
so think about it. let’s have Jason Mercier don a pair of skis, hit the slopes and every seventy-three feet have him face an online poker tournament winner for a total of five hands. no folding, no all-in’s. winner of the majority three out of five earns double-deuce placement points for their country while the skier, in this case Lord Mercier, continues down the slope hoping to gain points for his own country. The slope is as long as necessary to accommodate the qualifying countries.
i literally thought of that as i was typing. but it’s already viral and friggin genius. would you watch that or curling?

yea…thought so.

and why is kara scott NOT all over the american poker sites, shows, events, mud wrestling las vegas do-or-die events? seriously, this is the year of the maple leaf, we need to be finding these “talents” and bringing them south into the land of the free and the home of the whopper. she would make a killing on espn7 covering poker events. she’s got sara palin’s legs and a model’s good looks.
i say we negotiate with canadian terrorists and make a peace time transfer for all rights to kara scott and in return the canadians get celine dion back. true, the jokes been said for the last fifteen years….but don’t you think she’d get the hint by now???

 anyway, it’s a new year, new possibilities. new paychecks, new events and new opportunities to completely waste your money and look like a total douche in front of four, five, maybe even six other complete strangers as you go all in with a pair of three’s. i hope for the best but i love watching your worst.

Send me some blog ideas, Asian porn or stupid card tricks at jonathan at shlinklincolnsports dot com and i will use those words to judge you…

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