anyway, in poker news, an aussie won a tournament in australia.
“oh, big whoop dank ass, american’s win american tourneys all the time.”

well…yea….but not so much in this aussie tourney. see, the Crown Casino’s Aussie Millions Main Event was only recently won by an actual australian just last year. now mr.Tyron Krost has become the latest poker gazillionaire for me to loath and beg for monies. he’s 23, too, which makes him filthy rich at an age in which i found myself re-enrolling in college to get my damn degree. but enough about being poor and eating noodles boiled in pabst.

so the olympics and their numerous lame events (tug-of-war made six olympic games before the OIC declared it too “awesome” and was voted back into the Kansas primary school system as an alternative to evolution) have really made the transition from ice skating to marksmen poker a possibility and almost certain future reality.

see, i do not throw these ideas about to mock the game i so truly love. i consider myself a transhuman futurist…..i know what people will need before they know they needed it. so including rifles into my version of the winter olympic poker devastation-athon is merely a reflection on what the masses already crave.
so think about it. let’s have Jason Mercier don a pair of skis, hit the slopes and every seventy-three feet have him face an online poker tournament winner for a total of five hands. no folding, no all-in’s. winner of the majority three out of five earns double-deuce placement points for their country while the skier, in this case Lord Mercier, continues down the slope hoping to gain points for his own country. The slope is as long as necessary to accommodate the qualifying countries.
i literally thought of that as i was typing. but it’s already viral and friggin genius. would you watch that or curling?

yea…thought so.

and why is kara scott NOT all over the american poker sites, shows, events, mud wrestling las vegas do-or-die events? seriously, this is the year of the maple leaf, we need to be finding these “talents” and bringing them south into the land of the free and the home of the whopper. she would make a killing on espn7 covering poker events. she’s got sara palin’s legs and a model’s good looks.
i say we negotiate with canadian terrorists and make a peace time transfer for all rights to kara scott and in return the canadians get celine dion back. true, the jokes been said for the last fifteen years….but don’t you think she’d get the hint by now???

 anyway, it’s a new year, new possibilities. new paychecks, new events and new opportunities to completely waste your money and look like a total douche in front of four, five, maybe even six other complete strangers as you go all in with a pair of three’s. i hope for the best but i love watching your worst.

Send me some blog ideas, Asian porn or stupid card tricks at jonathan at shlinklincolnsports dot com and i will use those words to judge you…

We could all see this coming, though. With the influx of other athletes from other sports invading and joining the ranks of the MMA world making headlines, why not have the face of world class MMA, namely the UFC, enter and invade a sport of their own? And what sport is more intense, more blood thirsty, than…..

…poker?

Ah well, it’s another excuse to be manly. And it’s way better than the XFL ever managed to be. And you know, the chance to kill time honing your craft and at the same time feel like there’s just that possibility, just that chance you’ll either score some free tickets or take all of Forest Griffin’s chips, then buddy you got yourself a pretty sweet game.

 But, my love for half nekkid muscly dudes hitting each other in the face aside, some punk won the WSOP.

Wait….wait I’m hating at the moment…..one sec.

K, so anyway, Joe Cada, a TWENTY ONE year old won $8,547,042 worth of dough.

That’s eight million, five hundred and forty seven thousand dollars more than I have in my bank account. And that’s why I’m considering starting a new blog entitled Joe Cada, Suck On My Nuts.

Gonna have to run this through the rest of the folks here but I’m pretty certain I can win them over with some beers. From what I’ve gathered, he’s dreamed of winning the tournament since he saw it on Nickelodeon six weeks ago and thought it would just be the tops.

Twenty one. Seriously.

When I was 21 I out drank my Irish friend, the one and only time I have ever done so, and three months later woke up in a different country with a pretty hot girlfriend. Not bad. Did I win over eight million dollars? No. Does it still burn when I pee? Maybe.

Any way, good for him. But what he doesn’t know is that not only am I becoming the best poker player EVER, through the UFC game thingy, but I am also pumping iron between hands because just being a in a UFC poker room fucking pumps me up.

Send me some blog ideas, Asian porn or stupid card tricks at

jonathan at shlinklincolnsports dot com

and I will use those words to judge you.

It’s a defense mechanism, really.

And I’m damn good at spewing useless junk from my mouth while also, in a nearly flawless verbal transfer, ridiculing your other people’s sad and misinformed opinions.

Which leads us to this horrible ruin of words and my focus on poker, blogging, cussing and incoherent babbling. I love the sport of poker.  Yes, the “sport.” By damned, if rednecks can sit down for a few hours make left turns all day and be considered athletes, then so too can the average tubs sit, make no left turns for a few hours and still be considered an athlete.  There is much in common between Suckscar and Poker: they both require mental toughness, the ability to use your wrist and elbows, they both need comfy seats and your average card or grease monkey must have a big and hardened bladder.

In a room crowded with poker people, how would you know who farted?  Better yet, how would you get caught, so long as your mud flaps didn’t send sound ripples that would give you away?  Why is this not discussed on the World Series of Poker tournaments?  Is there a handout given to all of the noob athletes on proper seat-tooting etiquette? Speaking of which, have you mastered your poker face?  Be sure to train with the necessary accessories when starting or maintaining your poker face.  Please always include: sunglasses, hat, moustache, carnival music, second set of sunglasses, a hoodie and saran wrap.  Without these key essentials, even the greatest in the World of Cards can fail to make the simplest of bluffs.  Don’t be the fooled, be the fooler.  Word.

Kind of in a lull in the poker world, at the moment.  Need to get that WSOP in running order.  Oh that’s right, it has begun.   Yea, that just happened.

So get ready for some Norman Chad shenanigans, quirky observations and jokes that only another paid announcer would laugh at.  This year WSOP is giving 12 mil for the winner.  That’s almost 11 million dollars! But more! Of course, as this major tournament progresses, it’s always a good time to catch up on the old tourneys.  Just like watching American Idol Rewind, which I totally don’t do.
Or there’s some other things hitting the television now and again.  Baseball playoffs, college and/or pro football.  Little things like that (wait till next year, my cubbies). So in the meantime, this blog takes the random route.
Instant replay in poker, or no?

I, for one, am against any talk of adding instant replay or a coach’s challenge to this wonderful game. The human element is what’s makes it so endearing.  If we’re just gonna let the machines rewind and mess up the game well then brother, I’m out.  Now gimmie my refund, I’m heading over to the WSOGF (World Series of Go Fish) and you won’t be seeing my flat butt here anymore.  Ugh, hold on, true believers.  That Chipotle burrito I ate from yesterday is turning to the dark side.  See, this is why I’m not in the WSOP.  No rectal stamina.  I eat the wrong thing and boom, little turtle heads be poking through the yonder.  Wait. I got it.  Space diapers. 

If Louie Armstrong, the first man on the moon and an incredible trumpet player, can self-crap and still be a modern American hero, than so can I.  Boom goes the dynamite.  Well thanks for reading and enjoy the tourney.  I’ll be corrupting your brain faces as often as possible with any quirks and quips regarding the poker world. And once we get the Deerfield Poker Series up and running again then I’ll be damn sure to get the word out on our card night shenanigans. Personal goal : win millions of dollars.  And then I’ll teach you how to steal make your own cool mil. 

Send me some ideas, Asian porn or stupid card tricks.

jonathan at ShlinkLincolnSports dot com

and I will use those words to judge you.